did ya think?

I really appreciate it when people compliment me with how i look... especially when i really made an effort to look presentable...

but it's beyond flattering when somebody tells you you look beautiful
when you feel so wasted...
when you've had a bad day...
when your hair looks really frizzy and fluffy...
when you have no make up on and a big pimple on your chin...

Oh i have a story to tell...

I've been off lately. For almost a year, I think I've been a negative thinker. Actually, more than a year i guess. I think it started when I got into a relationship with this guy. Long story. So we broke up a year ago. I broke up with him because i felt unsure. I was not sure if we were still inlove or what. So since i was not treated well (or that's what i thought or felt) although i am pretty sure that i love or loved him. I felt that i had to make a choice. Something was not right in our relationship. I knew that time that if i broke up with him there's a big possibility that i wont ever get him back... i was pretty sure of that. But what can i do. i had to choose. i dont know if i was selfish because during that time i was thinking about how my life will be forever if i stayed in our relationship. I thought about it thoroughly for a week before i broke up with him. He kind of declined me thrice when i asked him to come with me, help me buy something and stuff. But of course that was not the only reason why... he's a very quiet person sometimes i dont know what he's thinking. It scared me that maybe we're not inlove anymore. That he doesn't wanna be with me anymore, he just couldn't tell. We were together for 3 years, not straight. i thought we're falling out of love. Can you tell I was anxious about nothing? Up to now somehow am still wondering what if i didnt break up with him. We've been through a lot. There was a time when he was flirting with someone, i thought he cheated on me. But right now it doesnt matter anymore. It doesnt hurt. I dont care anymore what happened before. Sometimes I wished i just understood him more. and that i knew some of the things i know now before. I dont know if i did the right thing but i believe i did. Although it has brought me great pain. He has moved on and its like he's showing me and everybody that he's a better guy now. Now that he's not with me anymore. It pains me that he thought I was holding him back when we were together. I was okay after we broke up, but thats what i thought. i missed him. But right now everything is different. I dont know him anymore. And somehow i have forgotten about me. My values, how i used to be. i am thinking about what other people are thinking about me. that i cant move on. that i just cant get over him. It totally sucks. I dont wanna think about these things anymore.

I think this time around i am wrong and i fell into a manhole.
I have to get up. Easier said than done. But yeah i will. people dont change overnight. I already stumbled a lot but i have not stopped getting up after either.

I have embarrassed myself, I have caused awkwardness, I have been irritating... i totally lost ME.

If only i could undo many of the things i have done lately, i would. But i couldnt. If it could be done, a lot of people would have done it. Most likely.

Oh well i get it why you can't undo some things. why there's no power of that sort. People wont learn and they wouldnt see the value of things. value of others and themselves.

And ah i think its because I am currently BUM. not sure. Ive been overthinking. I dont want to care anymore about what other people are thinking about me. its Paranoia. don't let it take over your life. my friend was right about that in a way. Whether i am right or wrong about some things. I shouldnt forget ME. My good qualities. I shouldn't dwell into negative thinking.

I am likeable, I am nice and I am kind. I have to remember my worth. I have to remember the cool me, the me that was carefree. The me that was happy because I know God will fight for me. And that God wouldnt let me down. That God is there for me. That God sees all. That he wouldn't let anything bad happen to me.

I think thats what i have forgotten. I've lost me. I've lost my faith.

That was the thing i had before that's why somehow i was very secured. It kept away my negative thoughts. Of course there's always not so nice things but it didnt take me long to get back on track compared to what has happened to me now.

So i guess this is the nice thing about blogging.

About writing anything that comes into your head.

Maybe God wanted me to learn more about him and how much he loves me.

Flight of ideas? get used to it. ;)

But yeah. I am sad or was sad.

*Don't be surprised if am sad right now and the next minute i am happy. How could I possibly stay sad for a long time when God is always giving me tons of reasons to smile. He's been sending me a lot of angels to cheer me up. and he's been blessing me lot.*

Love Love God so much.

I am not very religious. am not perfect either, obviously. I've sinned a lot. But to believe in something greater than yourself, in someone whom loves us unconditionally. It gives you hope that eventhough sometimes things have been unfair... that things didnt go your way... Someone is looking after you. That he wont let you fall. That you will be rescued. That he wants you to be happy. That you will actually be. He sees when you do good and when you falter. No matter what you are loved, accepted for who you are. And that he will put you back on track. And that after your journey on earth, all the things you've learned, all the good memories you've had...
there's heaven wherein you'll be forever happy.

sigh. i'll share more next time. this was fun. ;)

anything goes...

When life throws you lemons, make lemonade ;)

From now on, I am going to share everything (?) I have learned in life... so far...

I am go to tell stories... anything under the sun...

So that when I lose track or get old, I'll remember who I am and how I used to be. ;))

I might delete some of the blogs after some time, cause i change my mind easily and I might not like some of the things that I have written....

I am also doing this blog to inspire people (hopefully) the way others have inspired me...

I have met so many good people in my life whom have helped me in so many ways....

They are all God's gifts to me.

Oh well, I'll tell you more about my life next time...

au revoir...

Prologue

You're the sweet dreams that soothe me
when I can't fall asleep.
You're the field
in the middle of the city.
When I'm rushing by
at the speed of light.

You're the strong resolution
when I find no peace.
You're the church bells ringing
in the evening.
When all is quiet,
Your whisper comfort
lifts my heart.
I get so weak.

Ohhh.... You're lovely, lovely
You're the center of my universe.
(my universe)
A thousand times
I look around me and I find...

Ohh... you're lovely. (lovely)
You're the center of my universe.
(my universe)
A million ways
cannot explain,
you're lovely.

You're the soft words that touch me
when I just can't speak.
You're the breeze on the ocean
in the morning,
reminding me
to greet the day.

You're the flowers I remember
seeing in Italy.
Colors through
a golden haze,
bright and radiant,
soft and fragrant
In the noon day sun,
it makes me sing.

Ohh... You're lovely, lovely
You're the center of my universe.
(my universe)
A thousand times
I look around me and I find...

Ohh... You're lovely, lovely
You're the center of my universe.
(my universe)
A million ways
cannot explain
You're lovely.

I understand...
There may be grief
and there may be pain.
But I am aware
You blind the darkness
with who You are
because...

Ohh... You're lovely, lovely
You're the center of my universe.
(my universe)
A thousand times
I look around me and I find...

Ohh... You're lovely, lovely
You're the center of my universe.
(my universe)
A million ways
cannot explain
You're lovely.

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